Skip to content

theSkimm's Guide to the Election Pt. 1
Icons email

Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

THE STORY: It's that time to choose between what's behind Door #1 and Door #2. Four more years of President Barack Obama and VP Joe Biden or four new years of former Gov. Mitt Romney and Rep. Paul Ryan. Election Day is tomorrow.

WHO IS BRONCO BAMMA? The 44th President of the USA; born in Hawaii; Democrat; Christian. Barack (51) has had a good run with the American Dream. He, Michelle, Malia, Sasha, Grandma Robinson, and Bo all live in the White House on Pennsylvania Ave. They would like to stay.

WHO IS JOE BIDEN? The VP. Longtime Senator from Delaware. He loves to talk to folks, which sometimes gets him into trouble, and ride the train.

WHO IS WILLARD MITTENS ROMNEY? Former governor of Massachusetts; born in Detroit; Republican; Mormon. Mitt (65) is the son of George Romney, who was gov. of Michigan. He founded the investment firm Bain Capital. He and his wife Ann have a very good-looking family with lots of grandkids. They are in the market for a new home and would like it to be the White House.

WHO IS PAUL RYAN? Mitt's sidekick; Wisconsin Representative. Very conservative. He would like to be Mitt's VP but either way, he has a big future in the GOP. Paul likes tax code. So there's that.

WHERE DO I VOTE? Find your polling place here.

HOW DO I APPLY TO THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE?: They don't do early admissions. We'll Skimm it for your tomorrow. In the meantime, don't tell anyone you applied.

WHY DID SOME PEOPLE ALREADY GET TO VOTE? I'M BUSY TOO!: Some states allow for early voting. But all is not going smoothly--with some crazy lines in swing states like Ohio and Florida. And some speculation that the inconvenience is on purpose. Florida Dems are already suing.

I'LL VOTE...I'M JUST A LITTLE WHELMED: We feel ya. Romney and Obama are not just different candidates from different parties but they offer starkly different visions on certain issues.

SO WHAT AM I VOTING ON?: Let's Skimm this E.

Taxes... as in how much should we all pay?

What Obama says... Tax cuts and breaks from Bush '43 are about to expire and we need to renew them for families making under $250K. Those making the big bucks need to pay more. No cuts for you. My friend, Mitt just doesn't care about 47% of Americans.

What Romney says... Barry just doesn't get it. We should keep the Bush tax cuts/breaks for everyone. And give some more cuts, with the biggest breaks for the wealthy. This will actually help the middle class. Do the math.

Healthcare... as in healthcare reform happened. Republicans wish it hadn't.

What Obama says... Ever heard of that little thing called Obamacare? I DID IT! And every Republican hates it. We seek to reduce the number of uninsured, expand Medicaid, protect coverage for patients with pre-existing conditions, and ban insurers from cancelling policies when patients get sick. Oh and you must have insurance or face a penalty tax, sorry. Don't like it? Well, Mittnificent doesn't care as much as I do.

What Romney says... Peace out Obrokeacare. Did I apply an eerily similar plan when I was gov. of Massachusetts? I sure did. But, that was one state, not the whole country. Yes, there are some good things within the reform, but a mandate? No. Purchasing insurance  should be a tax break, not a penalty. Uninsured? Go to the ER.

Medicare/Social Security... as in who loves Grandma more and will I one day be able to retire in Boca or Scottsdale?

Psst what's Medicare again? program  that insures 49 million seniors and people with disabilities. It is running out of money.

And social security?  A  safety net  that provides retirement benefits to over 55 million Americans. It's funded by a payoll tax on employees and employers. It's running out of money too.

What Obama says... Don't worry, Obamacare will help rein in  Medicare  spending. Paul Ryan's vision of Medicare will  put more cost  on Granny! As for social security, Republicans are going to make it very hard for us to retire. As for  my plan? Uh, I'm working on it.

What Romney says... Obummer just took $716 billion away from Grandma to pay for his namesake plan! Medicare isn't a piggy bank!  My new BFF, Paul Ryan, had a great idea that he brought to the House: let's make  Medicare  into a program that gives seniors a fixed payment to buy whatever coverage they want. It's a voucher! And social security will stay as is for soon-to-be retirees but I'll  make changes  for the younger folks, like raising the retirement age (HA! I'll be dead then).

Immigration... as in there are over 11 million undocumented immigrants living and working in the US. What do we do?

What Obama says... Si se puede? I promised you a major immigration overhaul last time we did this, and I didn't deliver. Ay! But I did sign an executive order that lets immigrants who entered the country illegally as children, stay and work for at least two years without the fear of deportation. DREAM Act here we come!

What Romney says... Sigh. If only I were Latino, this would be easier. I support a self-deportation strategy, which says make your own choice on how you want to say hasta la vista.

Jobs & the Economy... as in we have no money. Help.

What Obama says... Sh*t. There's a recession, OK? Your last president gave me a really bad economy, but at least I didn't let the auto industry die. We've actually been adding jobs! We need to continue to stimulate the economy.

What Romney says... Oh, boy this prez has NO idea what he's doing. Balancing budgets is what I do, folks. Time to make some necessary, but painful, cuts. We need to slacken some corporate regulation and make more trade deals! Time is up for Obama, he hasn't done enough.

Women... as in who LOOOOVES 'em more and has their health and best interest at heart?

What Obama says... You should make your own choices about your own body.  Seriously, I can't win a fight with Michelle. Obamacare, as in I do care, requires most insurance companies to  provide birth control  with no copay. I love  Planned Parenthood.  What was the first thing I did in office? Oh yeah, signed the  Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act.

What Romney says... I love women, I just don't believe in  abortion. Well sometimes I do. But now I definitely don't, unless it's in cases of rape or incest, or the mom's life is at risk. Some people in my party REALLY don't like abortion ever and are a  little confused  about how a woman gets pregnant. I'm not paying for your contraceptives. And funding  Planned Parenthood? No, no no. I do hire women though, check out my binder.

War... as in what is it good for? And when are we done?

What Obama says... After ordering a surge of troops into Afghanistan in 2009, I pulled them all out and all other troops will be gone by 2014 (except a few residual forces). And I like my unmanned drones on the Pakistan border and in general. As for Iraq, I got all the troops out. P.S. I killed Osama!

What Romney says... I kind of feel the same as Barry on Afghanistan except for I would evaluate conditions on the ground and not make the 2014 withdrawal public knowledge. Basically, I'd do it better. I would have negotiated a way for some troops in Iraq to stay to train Iraqi forces. P.S. Osama gone doesn't mean the war on terror is over.

Israel/Iran... as in who is a better BFF to Israel and who can deal with Iran best?

What Obama says... Shalom. I heart Israel and would never allow a nuclear-armed Iran to exist. My sanctions are crippling Iran's economy. Muhahaha. I also really wish Israel would stop building housing settlements in disputed areas and would talk to Palestine to get some peace going.

What Romney says... I love Israel way more. Obam-ugh hasn't even visited the country during his presidency! I sort of, maybe, vaguely think it's OK for Israel to preemptively protect itself against Iran but getting the US involved is definitely a last resort! But, yeah, in general, Obama and I probably feel the same way here. Also, whatever Israel's Netanyahu says regarding Palestinians and Israel's right to land works for me.

Foreign policy...  as in how to interact with the rest of the world.

What Obama says...  Romney has no experience in this area. Just like in domestic policy, he wants to take us back to the 1980s.

What Romney says...  Obama leads from behind, which isn't really leading. What happened in Libya, huh? Nice job there. We're poor and it's hurting our influence over the world.

Guns... as in where can Sally get her gun and shoot it?

What Obama says... Guns for hunting? Ok with me. But we don't need AK-47s on the streets. Let's think about reintroducing the assault weapons ban.

What Romney says... Guns are guaranteed under the Constitution, remember? We need to do a better job of enforcing the gun laws we already have. And change the culture of violence through schools and parents (two of them: a mom and a dad).

Same-sex marriage...  as in Jeff wants to marry Jake and share benefits.

What Obama says... Although it took me a little while to come around to it, go ahead. Equal marriage rights for all! You go, Gaga! But I won't push the federal government to make individual states recognize this. I did oversee the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell too, you know.

What Romney says... Yeahhh, I'm not for that and I want a constitutional amendment that says marriage is between one man and one woman.

Education...  as in where do kids go to school and how to pay for it?

What Obama says... College is really important and I want the US to have the highest proportion of college grads by 2020. To do that, I started "Race to the Top," an initiative where schools compete for federal grants and inspire innovation.

What Romney says... Comparison shopping is always good. Parents and students should do that with federal-funded vouchers. And the government needs to get out of the student loan game and let private business in so there can be more competition.

Energy & the Environment...  as in where does power come from and hey, who caused you, Sandy?

What Obama says...We can't drill our way out of oil dependence. Let's increase solar and wind energy and take away tax breaks from Big Oil. Oh and global warming is real.

What Romney says... I like those oil tax breaks. Let's drill and get some US-energy! Keystone Pipeline – go right ahead! Jobs people! About Sandy, yeahhh we're not sure what's causing climate change. I've said in the past that states should take charge of their emergency management, which is kind of awkward after Sandy.

WHAT THEY HOPE YOU WON'T NOTICE: Apparently Biden is running with a Clinton. And Romney's 16-year-old granddaughter Allie dresses to the a couple of zeroes.

BIRTHDAYS: Grace Guan (Philadelphia, PA); Louise Sheldon (New York, NY);  Jackie Kapcheck (South Barrington, IL);  Erika Martin (Los Angeles, CA);  Gabrielle Blitz (New York, NY);  Maureen Tzudiker (North Hollywood, CA);  Robin Greene (Atlanta, GA);  Emily Goodman (Glastonbury, CT);  Nancy Davis (Elgin, IL); David Roberts (Boston, MA)  Got a birthday? Send 'em in.

Skimm'd something we missed? Send it to [email protected]

Skimm'd something we missed?

Email [email protected]